Thursday, December 28, 2006

crashing into yourself

and then there are movies which question the way we look at the world, at ourselves, at our assumptions and beliefs, and at who we think we are. this afternoon i saw one such movie. crash. the movie that, surprisingly, won the oscar for best film in 2005, stealing it from the more-talked-about 'brokeback mountain'. and i was wondering where i had heard the name when we got it as part of the free five dvds with the new home theatre system that we bought.

i took some time on deciding whether to watch 'reservoir dogs', the movie from which 'kante' was ripped off. or to watch 'crash'. i started watching 'reservoir dogs' but somehow lost interest after 15 minutes into the film. guns and death from the beginning of a movie is not something i would want to watch. it was also a movie which required me to pay more attention on the dialogues to follow the plot. i was not in that frame of mind. also, i was looking out for a movie which was more of a watch-it-and-forget-it kind. so then i decided to watch crash. i looked it up on the net and found that it had won the oscar last year. that was when i remembered - of course, the surprise winner.

ten minutes into the movie and i was not only paying attention to the dialogues but i was also beginning to feel the emotions of each of the characters.

the tag line says, moving at the speed of life, we are bound to collide with each other. and that is what happens in 36 hours between an african-american police investigator with a thief for a younger brother, a rich and spoilt white housewife and her district attorney husband whose car gets stolen by two african-americans. a persian store owner who wants to buy a gun to protect his store from burglars. an african-american tv director and his wife who gets ill-treated by a white racist cop; and his rookie partner who believes himself to be an idealist. a mexican locksmith who repairs locks at the da's house...all in post 9/11 los angeles. a multi-racial, multi-ethnic society perpetually in conflict amongst each other. and in the 36 hours of their lives when they collide with each other, each one of them has to confront his/her beliefs and assumptions about themselves. and each one of them react to their situations influenced by events and incidents they have faced earlier and based on their previous experiences. and that's when they all realise what the white cop tells his rookie partner, 'you think you know who you are. you have no idea.' that given a situation, they might all react in ways entirely alien to their assumptions of who they are.

paul haggis, the director treats his debut movie with a sensitivity that is rare in the current hi-tech moviedom. famous for his screenplay for the oscar-winning, 'million dollar baby', haggis takes the credit for the story and screenplay of 'crash' as well. all the characters are convincingly portrayed by actors like don cheadle, sandra bullock, matt dillon, jennifer esposito, brendan fraser, terence howard, chris ludacris bridges, thandie newton, ryan phillipe, larenz tate, michael pena and shaun toub. it would be difficult to take each of these characters and mention one single performance which stands apart and above the rest.

the movie succeeds in provoking you, humiliating you, exhilirating you, stunning you, making you cry and then leaves you with questions about yourself. a must watch for any movie aficionado.

Monday, December 18, 2006

been a long time

it's been such a long time since i posted something on my blog, that this morning when i tried opening my account i couldn't even remember my password. so, i had to try all sorts of permutations and combinations of my login id and all my previous passwords, unsuccessfully. then i remembered that i had received a mail from blogger when i shifted to beta. luckily i had it saved in my mailbox and i accessed my blogger account through there and changed my password.

these past few weeks i have been really busy working! (yes, some extra freelance work that's come my way, apart from the regular jobs). also, been busy looking for a full-time job. been going for interviews and sending my profile and all that. now, am keeping my fingers crossed. i intend to start working at least by the beginning of the new year. that's my target.

meanwhile, all the emotional highs and lows that i have been experiencing, due to various reasons, beginning from things at home to p coming still later in the night to feeling left alone, has been going out of hand. it's difficult for me to control the extremes that i experience at times. and the slightest issue can trigger an avalanche of emotions. not good at all. but these experiences have also taught me some things, some very important things about people around me. about whom i can and cannot implicitly trust and who will be there for me and not disown any responsibility whatsoever about their role in my well-being or non well-being. of course, i can still choose not to make too much out of these behaviours that they show, but i would rather be aware with that knowledge than go thru life naively.

it's that time of the year, when new resolutions are made. and it's about time for me too to make some. especially since i want to change a few things in my life. first and foremost, i am going to stop wanting to please everybody. coz at the end of the day, i raise too many expectations and it's not possible for me to live up to all the expectation that others have of me. i would rather live up to my own expectations of me than of others. till now, pleasing others did not mean, for me, doing things which i would do grumblingly. actually it was like serving them joyfully. but now, i realise, that it does nobody, and least of it, me, any good. in my desire to be the perfect daughter-in-law and all the in-laws in between, i ceded my individuality. also, to some extent, wanting to be the wife lovingly serving her husband, i have lost that 'me' somewhere. and it's done me no good. i would rather be myself and do things the way i want to do (although with a little sensitivity). and amazingly enough, p never demanded of me anything. he had all along wanted me to be exactly who i was always.

going out on my own to a bookstore, roaming around the town watching people and their ways and life, going to art galleries, museums, movies, were my life support system. after marriage, fearing what my family would think of all these habits and also in my want to spend any free moment that i have with my husband, i stopped my life support system. and since then, i have been constricted and yearning for time and space for myself. it also affects other aspects of my life in ways i myself don't realise. so, now, i am going to start supporting my well-being doing things that nurture me, inspires me, invigorates me.

Wednesday, November 22, 2006

the delightful world of asterix and obelix

last couple of weeks, i have been spending every spare moment reading the delightful adventures of asterix and obelix. they have always been a delight to read and since the first comic book that papa bought us when i was around eight, till this day, they have never ceased to amaze me with their illustrations and story.

they are comics which i might have read some 20-30 times and yet when i read them the 21st or 31st time, i still find something in the drawings or in the dialogues which i find new and which brings a fresh peal of laughter. and it's hard to believe that these comics are as old as 1961 when rene goscinny, the writer, and albert uderzo, the illustrator, brought out the first french version of 'asterix the gaul'. since then 33 asterix books have been published. and all of them have been translated in over 100 languages! the best part though is that even in other languages, the translators have done full justice to the humour of these books. i mean, how else could you find a druid character who is named 'vitalstatistix' in the english translation and 'vaidyanatix' in the hindi version. and consider some of these names:
o) justforkicks - a gaulish teenager who thrives on speeding chariots, pop and rap music played on the lyre
o) dubius status - a roman centurion
o) noxius vapus - a roman envoy of julius ceasar, and so on...

the drawing style is superlative, and the text is full of satire and humour with allusions to social and political issues. also, goscinny and uderzo must have done some pretty good homework on their history. coz most of the historical incidents during julius ceasar's times appear as background of the stories. like the civil war between ceasar and scipio, and the betrayal of pompey, and the affair between ceasar and cleopatra.

all in all, these are books that are worth a treasure. i am thinking of buying all of the 33 in publication. although at the cost they sell (approx rs. 350/-), it literally will be a treasure.

for more details check out http://www.asterix-obelix.nl/

Friday, October 27, 2006

in search of a job

i have finally started looking out for a job seriously. have started the process by first updating my cv which i hadn't required in the last four years or so, since i got the job at fischer. got sn, the qualified cv builder, to polish it and at the end of it when i read the summary written by him, i wondered if it was me he had described there. actually, what he has written is exactly what i have done but to read it there put so succintly and precisely made it sound like somebody else's resume. it's something i have always had a problem with - downplaying my own capabilities so much that when someone appreciates those qualities, i start wondering. it's not humility. oh no, it's certainly not that. it's self-depreciation.

the moment i decided that i need to start working full time to keep myself occupied, the next question that came was what do i want to work at. do i want to go into designing, illustration, facilitating and so many numerous fields that i could look into. apart from these there are even jobs like art curator. tho i have no idea what that entails. so, spoke with a few friends and of course, all these were questions that came up while talking it out with p. everybody had something or the other to suggest and when i would hear them out, i'd think 'yes, that's it. that's what i am good at. i'll do that.' and so on... so, there was a suggestion that i might like to look at corporate communication which wouldn't involve heavy designing on my part, as i need only get it done with agencies that are outsourced for the work. then there was a suggestion that i might like to look at training. but then that was something i knew i would like to do but would not satisfy my current need to work full-time and actually start going out of home.

and when i think of painting and tarot and all that, then i also realise that maybe going out and interacting with people will do me some good. right now, sitting at home i am becoming stagnant. there's hardly anything i can draw inspiration from. in fact, the mallu serials which blare out thru out the day is further pulling down my mental/emotional condition. i have always felt this when i watch movies or serials which are chronically of depressing stories, people. i too feel depressed and emotionally drained after a while. i remember a couple of years ago when i was in the habit of watching movies every night on star movies or hbo or axn; after some time of watching movies like cape fear, and double jeopardy, and amityville horror, and i know what u did last summer and such depressing movies of blood and gore and the basest of human emotions i would feel restless and depressed and very uncomfortable. then i stopped watching movies for a while. instead i started watching cartoons - tom and jerry. nothing like them to lift your spirit!

while discussing about going back to designing and advertising, a friend who is now working in an agency, observed that over the last few years, i had started believing that i was not very good at designing. whereas, the world is full of mediocre people who do work that they call designing and said it was time i got out of that belief. maybe they are right. not having worked with big agencies, of course, has been a disadvantage. which in turn has led to this mindset. and then i see people who i know for a fact can't do really good creative stuff working at big agencies and doing well, and that starts me thinking if i have not been left behind in the race, which is my own doing. so, am thinking of going back there and joining the designing fraternity. maybe it's not that late...

Wednesday, October 18, 2006

about maintaining a new blog on my personal journey

last couple of posts have been movie reviews and a travellogue. haven't much written about life and me, my journey. in fact, part of the reason has also been the insistent complains/comments from friends/readers who have observed that i write too much about p and the various incidents/issues that i have had with him. i have tried to reason to myself and to them that of course, it has to be like that. coz this here is my journal and it's about my life journey. and today, p, being my husband is a major part of my life. my issues, my problems, my solutions, my dreams, my aspirations everything today is somehow or the other linked with him. also, since i work out of home, the only people i come in contact with/interact with are my in-laws and my husband. and my life now is very much about the relationship that i am building with these three people. of course, there is also, on a spiritual level my own journey where as j krishnamurti says every human being is alone.

contemplating on all this and while making this entry in my journal notebook at chennai airport, i got this idea of maintaining two blogs. one which i write about general things, movies i watch, books i read, places i visit and this and that. and the other about my personal journey, which would be about me, myself and p :-). i didn't mean it that way but it would be a space where i can, without restricting myself with the sensiblities, or sensitivities of the reader, write about my life as a wife, a daughter-in-law, a daughter and a human being as well. this blog will have the warning that only those who are willing to read about 'p' as well may read. others may please continue reading this journal.

ps: this new blog will take a couple of days as i need to also get it linked with my website. the url shall be sent out shortly.

Tuesday, October 17, 2006

hindi comedy cinema, that extinct genre, has finally arrived with 'khosla ka ghosla'

i have been watching some really good movies recently. the kind of movies that are being made by lesser known/new directors are heart-warming. keeps the faith alive that hindi cinema is not just about grand sets, designer clothes, star-casts, songs-n-dance item numbers shot in switzerland and other exotic locations (now they shoot the entire movie abroad!) and melodrama. we could definitely do better!

last weekend, saw a movie which has been surprisingly running in theatres for the fourth week and is devoid of all the above. debutant director dibakar banerjee's 'khosla ka ghosla'. this rib-tickling comedy reminds me of the all-time best comedy movie of hindi cinema, 'jaane bhi do yaaron'. in fact, i would go to the length to say that 'khosla ka ghosla' (k2g), surpasses 'jaane bhi do..' as the latter was an exaggerated, at-times-in-your-face, slapstick comedy. k2g on the other hand doesn't try too hard to be a comedy movie, the director and the writer have just focussed on the humourous aspects of middle-class indian life, as is.

k2g is about kamal khosla (anupam kher) and his dream of buying a plot in south delhi to build a bigger house for his family, which includes his wife (kiran juneja), a wastrel elder son, bunty (ranbir shourey), a younger son who is a software engineer and his father's pride, chiraunjilal aka cherry (parvin dabbas) and a daughter. like any typical indian middle-class family of today, each member lives in the same house in their own worlds, with their own hopes and aspirations and the only thing that ties them together, apparently loosely, is that they are family. bunty is forever dabbling in the share market and hatching new plans to get rich, cherry is trying to flee all this misery and make it big in america, and his daughter lives an existence that is just that - existence.

khosla spends his entire life's savings into buying a plot from a real estate agent, a real smart aleck. but to his shock finds that the plot has been fenced and taken over by a big-time real-estate shark, khurana (again a mean, irresistable boman irani). not only has khurana illegally occupied khosla's ghosla, he tells khosla that he would sell it back to him for half the price of the plot!

a shattered khosla and family tries every legal means to procure the land back but to their dismay find that the entire system is corrupt and works to the benefit of the real-estate shark. after trying all means and coming to noughts, they find help from an unexpected source. and then begins the younger khoslas hilarious campaign to recapture what was rightfully theirs, but using khurana's own method; something which the senior khosla, like any other self-respecting righteous patriarch, completely disapproves of.

anupam kher has once again proved his mettle, donning the role of the grumpy, complaining old man whose only wish is to build a 'proper' house for his family. boman irani gets better and better with each movie. he gets under the skin of the mean character without being disgusting. but the revelation is ranbir shourey who plays bunty. he holds his own among the two seasoned actors and proves that he is worth watching out for. in fact, the thing about this movie is that every single actor, even if they have only a few minutes of screen appearance, has played his/her role to the best.

dibankar banerjee, as the director of the movie is completely in control of the movie from the first frame when the titles appear to the end. in fact, the film begins during the titles where the khosla family is introduced through family photograhs. he is in control of the cast, the characters, the story and even the background score which accentuates the scenes as they roll before the viewer. jaideep sahni, the writer, reminds one of the satires and dry humour of great authors like saki.

so, if you haven't seen the movie yet, i'd urge you to do so, else you will miss out on, what i think is, one of the finest comedy cinemas ever made in hindi. i hear that they are going to make a sequel. am looking forward to that...

Tuesday, October 10, 2006

dor ~ a sensitive movie which explores the ties that bind us as human beings

'zindagi badi honi chahiye... lambi nahin'

those are the words with which the movie 'dor' is dedicated to the late director hrishikesh mukherjee. and what a movie! it completely embodies the spirit of those words.

the tagline says 'how far would you go to save a loved one?'. and in one of the reviews i read, the author had asked how far would one go to see this movie? well, i and p went from one movie hall to another, some three-four kms apart to watch it, coz we were late for the show at the first theatre.

dor, director/writer nagesh kukunoor's seventh feature film is an outstanding example of story telling through the visual medium called movie. the theme of the movie is that human relationships cut across all boundaries of cast, creed, religion and state/country. that life presents us with opprotunities and challenges where we as humans are called to take decisions on our own, based on our convictions and do what we feel is right in our heart.

a female oriented story, dor, revolves around the lives of two women who are as different and apart as the landscape of their homes. zeenat (gul panag), a fiercely independent woman who lives life on her terms, lives in the beautiful green valley of himachal pradesh. she marries amir, a man who is completely in love with her and who has had to shun his parents to marry her a day before leaving for saudi. far from her, in the golden sands of rajasthan lives meera (ayesha takia), a simple, child-woman married to a very loving man shankar. shankar too leaves for saudi to make money so that his father (played by girish karnad) can pay off the debts on their haveli, which is a matter of honour for the old man.

the lives of these two women become inextricably linked when their husbands become roommates in saudi and in a bizzarre incident shankar falls to his death from their 10th floor apartment during a fight with amir. as per the saudi law, amir is convicted and sentenced to death. his only chance at life is a 'maafinama', a letter of pardon signed by the wife of the dead man. zeenat takes on this almost impossible task of finding the woman who holds her husbands life, with only a photo of amir and shankar together to guide her. on her way, she meets and is befriended by a con-man, behroopiya (shreyas talpade who holds his own in a small but significant role amidst the two strong women characters)who helps her find meera. and then ensues an extraordinary bonding that forms between the two women in which both learn a lot about life and dealing with it, from each other. all this while zeenat holds back the truth about her visit, for the first time scared of repurcussions.

where nagesh kukunoor excels as a storyteller and a director in control is in the way he portrays his characters receiving the one piece of news that changes their lives. meera's life and world changes from a colourful, free, 'lucky-for-the-family' existence to one of a mourning widow who is fated to a dull, silent, and servile life. she quietly transits from one world to another in acceptance. on the other hand, zeenat decides not to let life and the world decide her fate. instead she resolves to do whatever it takes to help secure her husband's life and freedom. what makes both the characters endearing and so believable is the complete lack of melodrama, which is synonymous with hindi movie, and the stoic way in which each do what they were meant to do. small actions and gestures of the characters make them flesh-and-blood and not just dummies; like, a widowed meera doing a short jig to the tunes of 'you are my sonia' in the street when no one is watching, or a drunk behroopiya confessing his love for zeenat, the revelations by the widow grandmother of her jealousy of the newly-wedded, happy meera. nagesh's sense of humour is also evident when he uses shreyas talpade's character to break the tense moments of the story by impersonating various hindi film stars. the two women also inspire by the grace and grit with which they face their lives.

the three young actors have delivered their best performances till date. ayesha takia effortlessly embodies the spirit of the child-woman who goes thru vast changes in her life and learns to face challenges squarely. gul panag has managed to emote thru her eyes what a thousand lines couldn't have been able to express. and shreyas talpade plays the role of behroopiya to the hilt, at times a rogue, and at times a helpful human being who is also very vulnerable.

watch dor for all this and the impromptu dance which meera, zeenat and behroopiya break into, in the middle of the dessert to the tunes of 'kajra re', celebrating life and living; or the climax which lasts only about 5-10 minutes and not a single word is spoken but everything is said through the eyes and actions. a truly wonderful movie!

Friday, October 06, 2006

yellow flowers, turmeric yellow faces and a 'hot' n happening city: chennai

i recently heard a friend comment that there were only three seasons in chennai - hot, hotter and hottest. i couldn't agree more. in spite of the fact that this was the rainy season there, the heat was unbearable. i am just back from a rather long weekend in chennai visiting my brother-in-law and sis-in-law and their two kids.

the social aspect of the visit was nice, with of course the decorum and the nuances of the relationship to be maintained. i have had to be careful in what i said and when and about whom. i guess one needs to be careful of that always but especially with relatives. a sentence misunderstood or misinterpreted can just start an avalanche and relationships could go spinning out of control.

my sis-in-law is a rather complex woman (well, any man would say that of every woman!). i mean, at least for me. she is quite clever and knows how to deal with people and what to say to whom and when. she manages to keep relatives quite happy. and at the same time there is another aspect of her which is hurt and and in pain. pain because of the small issues of her own which i guess every marriage has in lesser or more degree. in her case i think she has been disillusioned about the romantic aspect of marriage. well, the panicker men have not been known to be overtly romantic; they are very loving and caring but are more given to keeping those emotions to themselves than showing them. i am learning, as you can see :-)

my brother-in-law is a more milder, gentler version of my husband as far as voicing his own opinions and simply making his presence felt is concerned. being the eldest child in the family he has matured earlier and has a sense of being the 'older' brother. most of the times he keeps his opinions and emotions to himself, does not make remarks or comments on people or issues unless it is to people who are on very intimate terms with him, is extremely patient with the system where things don't happen the way they were meant to, but gets very wild and vocal with people not following traffic rules, especially if he is driving... he is also very affectionate and caring but would not say so in so many words, like a true panicker.

ok, so now chennai... like i wrote earlier it's now hot and i was wondering how it would be during the hotter and hottest seasons. the city has changed a lot since i last went there in '97. i was there on a college tour visiting the artist's village at cholamandalam and the museums and the temples at mahabalipuram. since then, the city has changed a lot - it's less smelly (i remember while travelling by train, as soon as one got the stink of basin bridge station, one knew that we had arrived in chennai, then madras), the roads are wider, lots of cars, new glass and steel office buildings, lots of shopping malls and endless stream of people. i thought mumbai had those kind of crowds, especially at churchgate and dadar stations where one would see endless crowds streaming by hurriedly to reach somewhere. here on the other hand, the crowds were the same, but walking by more liesurely and not with the same purposefullness with which they move in mumbai.

shopping at one of the malls is a nightmare - there is such a crowd all around. i mean not just at sarvana stores (and they have four of them in t nagar alone!) which are malls where you get everything from clothes and accessories to kitchen utensils and all at a cheaper rate than at any of the more fancy malls, but also the sarees and dress material shops like pothy's and chennai silks. i had gone out a day after the puja and that too when the schools and colleges had opened and at three in the afternoon! yet there was hardly any space to keep your foot at these saree shopping plazas. they are actually plazas with three/four floors and at times even basement where one could just keep on looking at all sorts of silks and synthetic and cotton sarees.

the other thing that caught my attention were the huge hoardings all over the city skyline. everywhere i saw sarees and movies and political leaders and jewellery ads splashed on hoardings bigger than the buildings. when i commented on it, p says, they reflect a moving economy. he should know being in marketing. but there is no question about it: chennai is certainly becoming the happening place now. there's a new it place under construction and the offices there are simply monstruously large. a new elevated railway station is also coming up in that area. i heard that real estate rates are also going up. once the it crowd comes in there would be a boom in the economy and chennai is definitely going to change. tho i hope it doesn't go the bangalore way.

a pleasant and welcome change from my last visit was the number of eateries that have sprung up. last time i remember i was fed up of eating idlis and dosas and curd rice. there was hardly any place to eat any other cuisine. this time around we managed to eat gujarati/rajasthani thali and pathani food as well. apart from the regular chinese restaurants, there are even malaysian and thai restaurants. and all these eateries are regular joints, not the restaurants attached to five star hotels. there are even food plazas like planetyum where there are different cuisine outlets all at a single place.

the gujju restaurant, rangoli at t nagar is highly recommended for its thali. awesome food, some six/seven different types of vegetables, shrikhand, a sweet, buttermilk, curd, rotis, puris, saffron rice and plain rice. all this is preceded by a plate of snacks, the dhoklas and some other fried delicacies with a glass of jaljira to wash it down. and you can eat as many helpings as you want, all for rs. 130 per person.

the other place is the fruit shop at greams road near besant nagar beach for their heavenly juices, shakes, puddings and mousse. at last i managed to dig into fresh strawberry with cream. yummy! there is also something called a lemon mint juice which is simply irresistable and refreshing. the place is so sought after that there are people who patiently wait their turn to get a table in the tiny nooks and corners of the shop, which i must mention was very neatly kept. they also have drive-in menu as many of the patrons come here for dessert after a lunch or dinner at someplace else. the other surprising thing is that the waiters do not accept tips. they return it politely to the customers. and everything on their menu is priced between rs. 10 and rs. 100. pretty cheap for such heavenly delights. i was told that they now have another branch in spencer's plaza.

the other recommended place, if you are into idlis and dosas and sambars, is the murugan's at besant nagar beach. they have other outlets too. the idlis are soft and big accompanied by sambar and three different types of chutneys which are served as much as you want. the onion uttapa and masala dosa are also superb. and the place is ridiculously cheap. but there is always a waiting period as the place is in great demand. but the wait is worthwhile.

the sad thing in chennai was the sorry state of the govt. museum at pantheon road. the buildings are not being maintained properly. the contemporary arts building sticks out like a sore thumb amidst the red mughal-british architecture of the main museum. the staff sleepwalk through their job. there was an atmosphere of dull and heavy energy. the exhibits are ill-lit and over all a place we got out of as soon as we could.

oh, and i should mention the horrible traffic. people in chennai drive their vehicles at their own pace, which is pretty fast. it's like 'you-watch-out-for-yourself'. motorists change lanes the way they want to. if you plan to drive in chennai, better watch your tail, side and front, all at the same time.

so after a five-day visit we came back to mumbai which was still experiencing rains.

ps: we also drove down to pondicherry for a day which is around 160 kms from chennai, a three hour drive. but that would be part of another post.

Tuesday, September 19, 2006

an introspective, in-the-moment, raw, hurting post

it's been some time since i have posted an introspective, in-the-moment, raw, hurting post. the journal has always been a space where i have managed to be myself. but recently i have been carried away by the fact that i am writing to an audience. there are people who read this and i have also been consciously or unconsciously catering to them.

the other fact is that i have restrained myself from posting every emotional upheavels that i go thru. as they say, when you focus on the negatives in life, that's what u perpetuate. sorrow begets sorrow. but that has not been a conscious decision. i mean, not to focus on the -ves. i do that enough and more. the reason why i have stopped myself from posting all that is because i felt that those of you who read this would only shake your head and think, 'no, not again. if she has problems let her not describe the same problems again and again. at least the problems could be different.' yeah, it's the same i-am-feeling-frustrated, and sad, and left-out coz i hardly get any time with p. finally, i have let it out... whew!

p has gotten promoted and now has to travel. i wouldn't say i am happy for him and be nice, coz that's not what i am feeling. in spite of the financial betterment the promotion has brought, i am beginning to think i would have been happier with lesser money if only that meant he could return home at decent hours and spend time with me. not that he used to return home at any decent hour even when he was working for lesser salary. he is essentially a workaholic. and although he tries hard to be with me, he ends up working. it's come to stage where i don't want to believe that he really wants to spend time with me. coz that's not the manifested reality.

i am now thinking of taking up a job to escape the continuous waiting that i do. at least i would have a different system in which i would get involved. painting is not helping anymore. and taking up a full-time job would mean putting on hold all the dreams that i had - painting, healing, tarot and all that. but i am thinking what's the use...

all this means that today i am so dependent on my happiness on p that i don't have an independent support system for myself.

oh, in the midst of all this i forgot to mention that i have managed to be unreasonable like i wrote in my earlier post. i have started on a disciplined daily routine. have started waking up early and take bath. breakfast at 8.45, lunch at 1.30 and dinner at 9. and i have managed not to feel guilty or affected by the fact that i don't eat with the family together. it's kind of a small victory for myself. and maybe the same way i would someday soon manage to build my own system and be independent of p and his availability for my happiness. and that thought somehow eases up the constriction that's built in my throat that was there when i started writing this.

blogs worth visiting

here are url's of some interesting blogs i came across:

http://contraryactonbell.blogspot.com/
http://midnightnovella.blogspot.com/
http://electric3rail.blogspot.com/
http://vurshaa-myjournal.blogspot.com/ :-)

and this next one was worth reading, just to know what all people do...

http://choosemyname.blogspot.com/2006/07/choose-my-name.html

happy reading!

Monday, September 18, 2006

it's a blogger's world out there

i am inspired by what mrs. joseph wrote about visiting other people's blogs and letting them know that they were read. since then, i've been reading blogs randomly. and there are amazing people writing amazing things. some are just personal blogs, some an extension of a diary, some serious journals, some are book/movie reviews, some writing about issues and matters that affect them or are close to their heart, some are informative, and some a downright waste of space and time. and there are even some bloggers who have put up their own sexual escapades. i mean, i should also mention those...

i have also been leaving comments on those blogs that i found interesting. just spreading the 'it's all about love' motto :-) after all, that's the reason why we all blog - so that someone may read them and we might connect with somebody who relates to what we feel and think. and the more basic need to be heard and accepted for who we are.

while browsing thru the blogs i found this quote by the noted german philosopher, arthur schopenhauer, particularly relevant to me. "It would be a great advantage to a young man if his early training could eradicate the idea that the world has a great deal to offer him. But the usual result of education is to strengthen this delusion; and our first ideas of life are generally taken from fiction rather than fact."

so, blog on fellow bloggers...

Friday, September 15, 2006

thank you mrs. joseph

yesterday i read a lovely comment left by one of the random visitors to my blog on paintings, a mrs. joseph. she just wrote two lines saying that she wanted me to know that she had visited my blog and that she liked my pen sketches. it felt so good to be appreciated by someone i didn't know, someone in some part of the world going thru my blog and really liking what i had put up. so, i decided to check out her blog and saw that she had three blogs. one of them was titled 'it's all about being loved'. and i was touched by what she wrote there. also, i felt a bond with her as she too felt that people write and publish online because they want to be read and heard. so, she has committed to read a couple of blogs everyday and let the blogger know that she had visited. yes, mrs. joseph, i agree - it's all about being loved.

Wednesday, September 13, 2006

an anniversary and three weddings: last week

we celebrated our first wedding anniversary last week. it's precisely one year and eight days today since the day we got married. can't believe it's been that long. and at the same time, it feels like i've been married for as long as i can remember. interesting contradiction. there's a word i remember from zen teachings... ah yes, it's called 'paradox'. i like that...

hmmm... so, it's been a year of learning to live with another human being, and a completely new family. old habits have changed, new have been formed, a change in mindset, attitudes, even lifestyle. but mostly these changes have been subtle, so there is no sudden jerk in the day-to-day living. it's only when my friends who have known me for ages, see me now that they comment on how i have changed, mostly for the better tho some for the worse too.

the best thing about marriage is that it's wonderful to know that there is someone who loves me and accepts me unconditionally. and who i can look at every morning when i wake up and feel blessed. and who makes me feel good about myself. and it's not always been rosy and pink and still-honeymoon-phase-going-on. we've had our fights and arguments but have also managed to work out of them. and what i like about myself at the end of the fight is that i have not hung up on my ego and continued to fume and fester but instead have gone back to resolve the issues.

the flip side which even i have been aware of is the complete lack of discipline, which i had earlier - wake up early in the morning, have my bath, exercise, breakfast by 8.30, lunch at 1, dinner by 8 and sleep at 10. now, with the late nights and all, i hardly manage to wake up by 8 and then everything gets delayed. and everytime i complain about it, p suggests that i do something about it. and finally he fwds me this sms, a quote by george bernard shaw - "the reasonable man adapts himself to the world, the unreasonable one persists in trying to adapt the world to himself. therefore all progress depends on the unreasonable man".

so, i am going to be unreasonable now...

the day after our anniversary i left for kerala for a week, to attend three weddings. and as i was going to write about them, sn sent me a blog by sidin (http://sidin.blogspot.com/2006/09/balle-balle-in-delhi.html#links) in which he wrote about his experience of a punjabi wedding. and i was thinking, if only i had been to such a wedding instead of our blink-and-u-missed mallu wedding. at least i'd have had more interesting things to write about than what so and so aunt was wearing, or the number of gold chains/bangles the brides were loaded with, or the simple but delicious sadhya with the payasam which were served... (sigh!) u don't get everything in this world!!

well, the weddings by themselves were nothing much to report. i got to show off my anniversary gift - a pearl set and my sarees, ah, what else can a woman want!! :-)

the slight undertones and overtones of relatives trying to establish their primitive call of social supremacy in the familial heirarchy was very much evident, as is in any other wedding. who will go on the stage to be there with the bride and groom during the ceremony? who will go to oversee the bride's make-up? (that's a north kerala tradition, where in the old days, few women from the groom's family would go to dress up the bride. now with the beauticians coming into the picture, these women are present only as a ritual.) and amidst all this the confused and slightly nervous bride, not well-versed with the prevalent heirarchy in her new family, trying to be meek and submissive to all that was told her. boy, was i glad that i knew p's family very well, much before our marriage!!

also saw something which disturbed me quite a lot - my brother getting too involved with the girls of a family which has not had a favourable standing with ours. apparently the involvement is so overt that everybody notices but have chosen to keep quiet coz he is a local darling, helping people out and generally being a nice kid. my mother has warned the mother of the girls indirectly that she would not be responsible if anything unpleasant were to happen in the future. after all, it's the girl who gets blamed in any eventuality. of course, if he was having an affair with anybody, it wouldn't be my business to comment on it; but to see him following the troop of girls wherever they went like a honeystuck bee was a little painful. also, the girls were kids compared to him, they would be too young for him. the other issue is, i don't know what's the equation with him. i haven't asked him yet. anyways, this too shall pass, judge ye not...

so after a hectic weekend of changing into sarees and dresses by the hour, i am back to home, sweet home, ushanagar.

oh and another update: have completed and delivered 10 paintings last month, as per my deal with p. am starting on the next 10 for this month.

bhai, lage raho!

what a delight to watch sunjay dutt and arshad warsi in 'lage raho munna bhai'! the chemistry between them is bole to jhakkas!, they effortlessly play out their characters, the plot and story is refreshingly original, the humour light and frothy, vidya balan looks morning fresh, and the movie is a complete entertainer with a strong message that is bound to do some chemical locha (as Circuit puts it) in anybody's head.

the theme of the movie is that the teachings of the mahatma are as relevant in this age as it was in his times. and the story goes on to illustrate this in a light, humourous, non-preachy way. munnabhai and circuit make a comeback with new characters in a new background and mind u, it's not a sequel to the earlier movie. the film-maker has succeeded in evolving the characters of munna and circuit to a stage where they can exist independent of any story. they can keep coming back now in different stories, different situations.

munna is in love - with the voice of rj jhanavi. he gets a chance to meet her through a contest that the radio station conducts. the only catch - the person who answers correctly all the questions asked about mahatma gandhi will be the winner. so what does munna do? what he does best - abduct a couple of professors who are authorities on gandhi to help him give the answers. and munna wins! he meets her and tells her that he is a professor. she invites him to give a lecture on gandhi to the old residents of her home 'second innings'. and that puts munna in trouble. after much brainstorming, circuit suggests that the only way out is to study as much as possible about bapu in the five days that he has. and munna ends up in a dusty, neglected mahatma gandhi museum. he picks up the thinnest, tiniest booklet that he manages to find but ends up reading almost everything in the library. after three days and nights he has a vision of bapu himself who tells him that he is there to help him. and thus starts munna's hesitant, unwitting journey of what he calls 'gandhigiri'.

armed with the new-found ideology of truth and non-violence he goes on to fight an erstwhile friend and builder lucky singh (an adorably mean boman irani in a loud sardar avataar) and along the way sets an erring son, jimmy shergill, on the path of self-belief and truth; gives an old man the strength and a new weapon to fight the sloppy and corrupt bureaucracy to get his pension, and a man a novel way to prevent his neighbour from spitting on his doorstep every morning...

the movie succeeds in making gandhi's ideology popular and meaningful to the masses where other heavyweights like richard attenborough's 'gandhi' and others fail. it talks of using the principles in today's context, in dealing with day-to-day problems. and above all, in a country where lots of young people don't even know who gandhi was, the movie succeeds in bringing a historic figure from the past into the present in a very relevant way and without any socio-political baggage.

so, three cheers for rajkumar hirani, the director and vidhu vinod chopra, the producer and 'bhai, lage raho!'

Tuesday, August 22, 2006

ah, to paint!

these days i am painting, and how! in the last three days i have completed three pen and ink work. of which, two i did today.

of course, the impetus has been provided by p, who very cleverly made a deal with me. he offered to pay me for a lot of 30 paintings which i would have to deliver in three months. the offer was irresistible. so i agreed. and here I am painting against a deadline - 10 paintings each month. i have completed five for this month. five more to go.

and as i paint, i feel more and more emboldened. throughout my life i have been plagued with the fear that i am not a 'pure' artist. as in, i can make something great out of an idea 'given' to me, but to come up with something creative on my own was not what i thought i was capable of. and that's the reason why, when i had to choose my specialisation in the second year of art college, i decided to do applied arts. moreover, having seen papa paint ever since i remember, the belief in me only strengthened that i could never paint like him.

after all these years now, i have come a full circle. back to my roots. facing the fear, and the uncertainty, and all the doubts within me, i have started to paint. funnily enough, all these years, my teachers and lots of friends, who know to appreciate paintings have always believed in me and my creativity. but i have never believed in myself. and now i can see for myself why they did...

now i know why i have always loved bamboos - they are like me. bamboos take six to seven years before the shoots come out of the earth. till then they grow roots and strengthen themselves. in some ways, all these years i have been learning and observing and growing my roots. i have chosen those same bamboos as one of my themes. and what i painted today has zapped even me - i am wondering, did i do that?!

ah, to paint!

Friday, August 11, 2006

karan johar says alvida to his 'picture-perfect-family' theme with kabhi alvida na kehna

finally, indian cinema is waking up to reality! or rather, directors of the so-called mainstream cinema are acknowledging the maturity of the audience. and what better proof for that than the fact that karan johar's kabhi alvida na kehna (kank) deals with confused people in messy relationships. to me, karan johar represents that section of indian cinema which makes movies about people who are out-of-this world, have picture-perfect families and relationships, who live larger-than-life lives in mansions and palaces that are bigger than laxmi mittal's london residence. basically, it's all about flamboyance, moralistic values that sounds good and stuff that dreams are made of.

thankfully, kank is refreshingly different from johar's earlier movies. and yet it fails to make a statement.

the theme of the movie is that good friends don't necessarily
make good marriages, only love can make a marriage work. no problems with that. but kank doesn't give believable enough reasons for the characters to act the way they do. the plot revolves around the marriage of two couples - dev (shah rukh) and rhea (preity); and rishi (abhishek) and maya (rani). they are all happy with their marriages, with rhea and rishi completely in love with their respective spouses. problem: dev and maya are looking for something deeper in their relationship and finally find that with each other. and trouble starts. their already shaky marriages start a tsunami which finally end in their divorces. and yet, for three years neither dev nor maya, who are now free to do as they please, get in touch with each other and lead solitary lives. it takes rhea and rishi, who, since then have moved on to more fulfilling relationships and lives to bring these two love-torns together.

the character of dev is realistic as a bitter man who has turned so, since he broke his leg in an accident, leaving him with a limp and a shattered football career. he is cynical and looks at only the negatives in life. he criticizes his wife, his son, his coaches, and even fellow pedestrians. until he meets maya, with whom he suddenly becomes a totally different human being - tender, loving, friendly and one who even knows to laugh. not bel
ievable... and add to that king khan's pout and melodrama.

maya is a woman who believes love is important in marriage. she has been brought up in rishi's home by his father sam (amitabh bachchan at his sexiest!). and because she didn't find her love, she agrees to marry her long-time friend rishi. she doesn't feel any passion towards her husband, she can't have any babies so she looks after other kids in a playschool and is a compulsive home cleaner. must say rani mukherjee looks beautiful and also has managed to pull of a not so likeable role of the 'other woman' quite nicely.

rhea is a successful fashion magazine editor who is going places. her marriage doesn't seem to go anywhere. she is in love with her husband dev but is not able to give him or their son the time she should be giving. which is also because she has to ensure that she provides for their comfort since dev lost his million dollar career as a football star after his accident.

rishi is a boyish, childish, take-it-easy 'dude' who is charming, successful, and completely in love with his childhood sweetheart and wife, maya. he is forever hoping to get intimate with her and despite her coldness, doesn't show his disappointment too much. he gets treated by her like a kid.

the star amidst all these sometimes-grey characters, is sexy sam or samarjit. he is a raunchy, sexy old man who is forever running after anything that moves in skirts. and yet he balances it with his understanding of relationships and the love for his dead wife. the character has been beautifully portrayed by amitabh bachchan. he is definitely at his sexiest best!

the first half of the movie is enjoyable, with the director holding on the story tightly and in control of the characters. the second half drags on with everybody crying buckets of tears, a song that was not required (where's the party tonight), and an end that somehow comes as an afterthought addition - in a hindi flick, the lovers have got to unite in the end, you see!

all in all, karan johar's kank comes out as a weak and apologetic attempt at presenting the intensity of relationships in marriages going wrong, infidelity and the aftermath.

Thursday, August 03, 2006

kerala visit ~ part 4


ha, this is beginning to be like the ekta kapoor 'k' serials which just don't seem to end!

i was going thru my blog a few minutes ago and saw a comment posted on the part-3 edition. i was excited and immediately checked it. and i couldn't believe it - somebody actually had the nerve to write that s/he went thru my blog hoping to find something and didn't. but instead found a great way of making money, and then went on to give a link where i could make $900 or more a month! some way to advertise!

right, we had completed contemplating on the scenic beauty of alleppey, and walking thru the fields to reach the family temple. that morning i also received a treat - a boat excursion thru the backwaters of alleppey courtesy my sis-in-law's in-laws. they felt they owed it to me as i had taken them out when they were visiting mumbai, especially since i was at the time limping and recuperating after having broken my leg three weeks before their visit. also, somehow they seem to have taken a fancy to me - ain't i just lovable!

so, over-riding all protests from achcha and amma to not take the trouble to arrange for a boat and all, they hired one for the morning. we were welcomed at the jetty by our bro-in-law's sister. the boat was nice, a small one which could comfortably seat six adults. the seating was inside a small shed kind of thing with windows and a sliding roof to protect from rain. and one could also climb up on the shed for a 360 view. the backwaters in kerala are almost like the canals and waterways of venice except that here one finds more greenery instead of buildings and the affluence and cleanliness perhaps is lacking.

after a visit at the famous mangam temple and a short stopover for breakfast at our relatives' we were dropped back at our start point. on the way back we finally managed to use the huge square umbrella that i had carried with me. it's blue and can accommodate three people at a time. so, a la raj kapoor and nargis, in the rain, p and i walked along... that umbrella was something that caught everybody's attention throughout our trip. it came in very handy when achcha lost his slipper on the track while boarding the train at thrissur - we used it to scoop the slipper up!

the next morning we had a rather hectic tour - three homes from chengannur to etumanoor to kudamalur and then back to ernakulam. whew! by this time i had had enough of food down my throat and p had countless cups of tea. now, tea is worth a mention here. in kerala, tea is not served in tiny little china cups as it is in other places. here it is served in tumblers or glasses as if it were some fruit juice. mostly it's a watery kind with milk added just to give it the light brownish colour. how people drink loads of it is beyond me.

breakfast was a wonderful affair at a family friend's place. it also happens to be sn's parents' place. finally met his brother - he is a 'character' as per the stories that i had heard from everybody in our family and mutual friends. he is as different from sn as chalk is from cheese. the common things being that i found him quite affectionate, and friendly. he has a dry but terriffic sense of humour. and the breakfast was just yummy. even tho i am a veggie, i easily gobbled up the onions and potatoes in the hot and spicy egg curry with some awesome appams.

(alright, i am going to stop now. am tired of this travellogue. shall write instances and events as and when i remember in future posts).


Friday, July 28, 2006

another post which is like the seasoning in the sandwich

the better title for this post would have been the mallu saying: 'puttinu itta thenga' which literally means: the small portion of grated coconut put between two pounded-rice cake dish.

this is a post which comes in between my kerala travellogue. i've decided to call it that - a travellogue.

the past few weeks after my kerala trip has been tough. coz it has finally made me face the fact that somewhere along the way i've started getting too engrossed in the politics and drama of family. and because i have an inherrent abhorrence to this aspect of family life, i have started withdrawing and rejecting it vehemently. the day-to-day problems of my sis-in-law's married life, the dynamics with her in-laws, and other relatives on both amma and achcha's side and so on... i realised a few things in all this intricate web of relationships - a) i was not very good at keeping my emotions in check when i get too engrossed, b) which in turn does not bode very well, coz the system of relationships is always in a flux and at any given time how i react to the issue at hand may or may not be welcome, c) i was getting too bogged down with the continuous speculation and assumption and what ifs, and buts.

to add to that most of the times during the day and evening, there is the tv switched on at a high volume (coz achcha has difficulty in hearing) blaring out a series of mallu tear-jerkers. anyone who has seen one of those would agree that they are the finest form of mental torture! and yet, numerous families sit glued to the tv watching those never-ending line of heroines crying non-stop, going thru one mind-boggling hardship to another. they would make one believe that life in reality was so dramatic and loud.

so, what has happened is that i have started taking refuge in my little enclosure that's my workspace - the comp and some books and my drawing materials. and like a hermit, i come out of this space only to cook lunch/dinner or help amma around in the kitchen, take bath, do the laundry or some other odd chore.

and the worst is, i have developed a resentment towards it all which comes across in other ways. also, there is a lot of bitterness. it's been something i have been aware of but not wanting to face until p surfaced it. after all the dialogue that we had, he started wondering if he was in some ways also responsible for it by not giving me the time that he should be giving or not contributing in my growth. at the moment i felt sorry for him and also affection that he was willing to look into himself. at the same time there is a frustration within me of not being able to spend time with him. especially the last week, it's been pretty bad with him hardly being there at home.

when i am in a foul mood, and i have realised this for quite some time now, i could be a very bitchy person to deal with. a long time ago, i remember thinking that i could even have a murderous streak, a very mean streak in me. i know this is something which if admitted to anybody in the world would make me a laughing stock or worse someone to be ridiculed. and yet, that's how it is. when i had first realised this, i had shared it with papa. i told him that i sometimes get the feeling that if i had to, i could even kill someone in cold blood. he had listened to it and he said that it's the dark side that all humans have. some realise it and some don't. but the winner is the person who realises it and uses that energy to do something constructive. he said that it was a demon that we had inside ourselves, a demon who possessed vast energies, we only needed to control it. he suggested pouring out the energy into creativity. and years later i came across this quote, i don't remember the exact words but it said something to the effect that, 'anything worst in the human character and anything best in the human character is both possible for me.' sc might remember who said that as he had first told it to me.
(this is a later addition: i got the original quote. it's by walt whitman and much more concise than what i remember. the original is :'I am as bad as the worst, but, thank God, I am as good as the best.')

but for my own sake i know, like p requested, i have to let go of this bitterness and resentment. and once again direct this demon into producing work, and writing my journal, and doing my tarot...

Sunday, July 23, 2006

kerala visit - part 3

i can start writing travellogues. by the time i finish writing this, i would be an expert in writing one!

hmmm... so, we had visited fort kochi and oh yes, i forgot the chinese fishing nets. there are around eight or nine of them left in fort kochi. it's quite a primitive way of catching fish altho quite ingenious. and the amount of fish caught these days is also very less. each of the nets are manned by some four/five fishermen. they lower the net into the creek and wait for a few minutes. after about five to ten minutes each net is brought up and one man goes up to the wooden pole which goes thru the centre of the huge net. he leans down on the pole and with a small dragnet scoops out whatever is caught. we saw only a handful of fish being caught each time. of course, if the men are lucky they catch a huge lobster or a crab which fetches them anywhere between 300-500 rs. one can buy the fish from the fishermen and give it to the little shack-restaurants nearby to cook it before your eyes and have it there. how yummy! alas i am a veggie now...

that afternoon we trooped into another of achcha's sister's house. they are a family of four, with a son and a daughter. the son is in the us and the daughter has just begun college. she belongs to a gang of three femme fatale - the other two are daughters of two other sister's of achcha. so, they are all cousins and of more or less the same age. and they would skin you alive if they wanted, with their sharp tongues. no, i didn't mean it in a derogatory way but these are very sharp and quick-witted young women. and two of them were there at home to welcome us. i was expecting a quick run down and an appraisal, me being the new entry into the family. must say, i managed to get pass marks.

the family had just gone thru a disaster - their son's broken engagement. the girl's family broke off the engagement citing, what i think, a minor issue. but then, the dynamics in arranging a wedding are so many that it's never clear as to who is in the right and who is in the wrong. what was sad was that both aunt and uncle were repeatedly narrating the incidents and issues. it was as if, they were, for themselves, trying to understand and assimilate what had happened and finding possible justifications. they have already been to several astrologers and sooth sayers. and when they found that i did tarot, they immediately asked me to do one for their son. that is going to take some time for me as i haven't been regular with my cards.

early next morning we took a car to alleppey, about two hours drive. alleppey is a totally different landscape. emerald green paddy fields that stretch as far as the eye can see, backwaters and canals with coconut palms reflecting in the waters, and a world that exists in a different time altogether. one can see what authors meant when they wrote about life going at a leisurely pace. it's only the occasional bikes sputtering through the muddy, narrow paths leading to the houses or the tv beaming out live telecast of the football world cup, that makes u realise the connection between this world and the one where u came from.

we were at achcha's brother's house where the now-rescheduled wedding was to take place. his son was to get married. to reach the house we had to walk a good fifteen minutes through narrow and muddy trails carrying our suitcases and bags. luckily we carried only what we would require for the two-day stay. the rest of our luggage was left in ernakulam. earlier, as achcha and amma recounted, one had to walk all the way from the main highway, which was a good 30-45 minutes walking distance away from the house. now, an auto can come up to the gates of the house. but then, there is always the backwaters and the canoe. until a couple of years ago the backwaters extended till the edge of the plot where our uncle's house stood. now it's all infested and choked with water hyacinth which makes navigation impossible. we saw that this problem was rampant in all the backwaters across alleppey.

in preparation for the wedding, there was this half erected plastic sheet awning that would prevent the rains from making the area in front of the house muddy; and freshly painted and whitewashed house itself. the house is really interesting. apparently, in the old days it used to be the grain store. landowners here, in the old days, used to have a separate building made of solid wood to store the harvested grain. our uncle's family had additional rooms built around this wooden store and thus the house came into existence. the grain store has got two rooms and plenty of thick, heavy doors that open on all sides and into the rooms that are built around it. today only one or two of these are opened. it's dark and very dusty inside and now there is only junk that is stored there. coz the harvest is immediately sold to the govt.

that evening i and p went out into the fields. it's a great experience. the fields had been replanted with the paddy saplings and they had grown about a foot high. and there are these thin water canals built across the fields that irrigate them. there are tiny fish in these canals and in some of the deeper ones there are even some big fresh water fish which is caught and sold. all along the highway there are toddy shops and shops which sell fish, chicken, duck, eggs and one another tiny bird which is apparently a delicacy. walking in the fields p commented that there was a history of every new person slipping and falling in the mud. and to test it, he and our cousin, the would-be-groom, suggested that we walk through the fields the next morning to the family temple. this was actually supposed to be a test for me. so, the next morning, over-ruling all protests from amma, and dressed up in the traditional white kerala set-mundu, lifting the mundu up to my knees, we walked barefoot through the paddy fields to the temple which is some 20 minutes. and i didn't even slip! additional credit points: i managed not to soil my white set-mundu. and as p said, that really earned me lots of credibility in the eyes of our uncle and aunt.

(whew! am tired now and shall continue in another post. and to think that i have just reached mid-way thru our kerala trip)

Friday, July 21, 2006

being completely present in a conversation

(was keying in the kerala post when i had this telecon and felt like typing this. the third part of the kerala travellogue to continue))

just had a chat with c, my friend from college. it's always refreshing to talk to her and her husband, p. for the 25 minutes and 53 seconds that i was on the phone with them (and i didn't realise i was that long!), i was completely present and there with them. can't say that about most other conversations. mostly i am thinking of something else that i am supposed to do or something i am supposed to tell. or else i am thinking of something entirely irrelevant at the moment. so, to have a conversation with someone where i needn't/don't think of what i was supposed to say or if there was something else i needed to do at that moment, is by itself an experience. it's like meditation - completely present in that moment.

also, chatting with both of them makes me feel alive and light. it doesn't matter whether we were discussing grave and serious matters. the lightness is still there. touchwood!

this time around we were talking about the new flat they just registered. we got into a discussion about the rising property rates and how good an investment option it was now. and blah blah blah...

the other thing i like about them is the easy banter they have with each other. they don't take themselves seriously. at least not most of the times. of course, they too have their share of problems in life, who doesn't? but to be able to take all that with a pinch of salt and good humour is their trademark.

thanks for giving me the joy of being present.

kerala visit - part 2

i had to go back on my blog to read what i had written last, where in kerala had we reached. thank god, the blanket ban imposed on blogspot has been lifted. it was quite frustrating not to be able to view my own blog. although there were proxy servers available to view what was there uploaded, it just didn't feel the same.

this time in calicut i was finally able to meet jk's family. it's been ages since we had been talking of a 'meet-the-family' meeting. tho i had seen their pictures. his wife and mother welcomed us as if we were regular old-time friends. his daughter was a revelation - an amusing kid, very active, and an excellent mimic. she made all sorts of sounds whenever we asked her something with the most amusing faces u could imagine. what was surprising is that one rarely sees a child her age, she is four now, able to emote so many emotions on her face. i am going to bet that she is going to be a performer, maybe not an actress but some kind of an artist. i told jk as much when he later smsed thinking that we would have found his daughter's behaviour quite shocking. in fact, we found her refreshing as a kid and also very sensitive. meeting his father was also nice. both me and p felt (we exchanged notes on that later) that he had just extended basic courtesies when he first walked in from office and found us sitting in his drawing room. but slowly he started warming up to us. and i knew that he really liked us when he showed off his antique collections when we were about to take leave. and he has some collection - a beautiful old easy chair, an awesome table with nice brass handle drawers and even hidden compartments, a lovely betel leaf box... i also liked the maruti swift that jk has bought recently. a very nice, neat and compact car with lots of leg space in the back for a car that size. Maneuvering the car into his house tho is something that requires much expertise. it's a one-car lane with lots of affluent houses. wonder how the residents have managed to time their car schedules...

next day or rather early morning we reached ernakulam. it had just rained and as we got out of ernakulam south station at 4.30 in the morning, there was this crowd of auto and taxi drivers swarming all around the passengers who had just alighted the train. we had to go all the way to mattanchery which is the outskirts of ernakulam city, it's actually old kochi. we were stopped twice by the cops on the road asking us who we were, where we were coming from and where were we going. the auto driver was exasperated and he said it had become regular these days especially late nights and early mornings. we were put up at one of achcha's sister's place. she and her husband are both doctors. what is worth mentioning is that she did her md after her children were grown up. at this age to compete with fellow students half her age definitely takes something extra.

i had always wanted to see the old synagogue in fort kochi. the last time i was there, working in an ad agency, i had missed going there. i had managed to visit the famous st. francis church and see the chinese fishing nets. so, this time i persuaded p to accompany me there. fort kochi is a small place with quaint little buildings which have portuguese, gujarati and tamil influences. cobbled streets and bylanes add to the charm. the synagogue itself was a little of a dampener. i had expected something majestic and huge with old belgian chandeliers and all. at least they look like that in the pictures. then i realised, it must have been like that for the people who built it some four centuries ago. the belgian chandeliers might have looked beautiful then. the blue tiles on the floor, none two of similar design, still looks pretty. and i loved the carved woodwork.

we then visited the dutch palace or the mattanchery palace built around 1557. it's beautiful! the architecture is a blend of traditional kerala style and portuguese style. the ground floor is not open for public. the first floor has lots of portraits of all the kings thru the ages, since the palace was built. the interesting thing to see was the costumes of the kings. the frills and heavy gold embroidery slowly giving way to more clean cut, on-the-edge embroidery. and all of them were proudly displaying their medals or badges which they were presented with by the british/portuguese/french rulers.

on display are also some palaquins which look very uncomfortable, swords and other weapons, coins and royal costumes. but what takes your breath away is the exquisitely carved wooden ceilings. they look simply amazing. apart from looking beautiful, these wooden ceilings also help maintain the inside temperature just about right for the season. the other rooms (there are about three or four of them) have very colourful murals depicting scenes from mahabharata, ramayana and the puranas. there are scenes from krishna and siva's life. some of which really interested p as they depicted krishna and siva as the supreme lovers that they were. he was quite unaware of that. he commented that the indian culture must have been quite open and progressive about sex. amazingly it's true. the fear, shame and guilt associated with sex that we indians have today is something which happened only in the last few centuries.

Wednesday, July 19, 2006

two weeks of hectic travel and then two weeks of lethargy - 1

(this was again getting to be a long post. have therefore, posted in parts)

i have been sleeping lots, eating less, watching a lot of movies and generally spending time luxuriously. mostly because i am now alone at home as amma and achcha have gone to hyderabad; and partly because it's been a looong time since i did that. and especially after the hectic fortnight that we spent in kerala, i just needed some time to loosen up myself.

kerala this time was an endless line of new faces, new names, long car drives, short train journeys and lots of food. oh, and i shouldn't forget lots of gifts. from all the new people i met. relatives from my husband's side. and boy, there is a big gang of them. achcha has six sisters and five brothers, he included. so, all in all they are a complete cricket team. and then you have their respective children, who make the second generation a boisterous crowd of 23. and this time around i met 12 of the entire 34 and their respective spouses. luckily i am good with faces and so i could identify all of them from photos. which of course makes them happy.

the trip to kerala was to attend a wedding of one of those 23 siblings. unfortunately, two days after we landed in kerala and a week before the wedding, we got the information that the wedding has been postponed. the bride was down with chicken pox. it's a catastrophe out here to have a wedding postponed or cancelled at the last moment. the hall booked has to be cancelled, the contract given to the caterers, the orders for flowers, shamianas, chairs, tables everything needs to be cancelled. and above all, the invitees to the wedding, all those 300 odd people to whom the cards have gone out need to be called and told of the postponement. and then once the wedding is rescheduled the entire process needs to be repeated. what a waste of time, energy and effort!

and on top of all that there are numerous other dynamics that happen. who should call whom? were all the invitees informed of the events? why didn't the bride's family take precautions, especially when two other members were already infected? and so on... a wedding, whether it actually takes place or, now i know, doesn't take place, is the time to gossip, with or without malice.

our first stop in kerala was calicut - my home. amma and achcha were visiting for the first time. so, obviously there was this red carpet all rolled out for them, the daughter's in-laws. almost all the women from the family were there waiting to receive us. i quite expected an aarti and garlands! once the pleasantries were exchanged, we immediately got down to settling ourselves for the two days that we would spend there. the only thing that made me sad there was that mummy had to give up her room coz amma and achcha were accomodated there as that room had the only attached bath. and i saw that she was only too glad to offer her room to them. especially coz she has never done that even to her own relatives. and also because she can sleep only on her bed since she suffers from spondilytis and her mattress is made to suit her. in spite of all that she would wake up by 5.30 in the morning, have her bath in the common bath and would already be preparing breakfast. she must really be happy that her daughter is happily married and into a nice family.

i had earlier told her that i would be spending 4-5 days with her and then going for the wedding. amma and achcha were to leave in two days to continue visiting other relatives. but then, p didn't want them to travel alone, especially after amma having suffered from vertigo in the train journey to calicut. so, we too cut short our stay and decided to travel with them. mummy when told of the change in plan, like a child, would continue asking whether i wasn't supposed to stay for more than two days. i could see the need in her, the want, to spend some more time with me. and i had to brutally cut her hopes everytime she started that. felt sad for her. at least am glad that i am going back in september to attend the rescheduled wedding and two more in my family.

the next brief stop was at thrissur - a day's visit at a cousin's home. the only person living there is his mother. a '71 war widow. a lady about whom i had heard all sorts of conflicting remarks from everybody in the family. i must admit that initially i was a bit biased but then decided to go and meet her with a clear mind and experience her for myself. the couple of hours that i met her changed my impression of her. i quite liked her - she was an original. a woman who was living alone for donkey's years, who had to, i think, be tough in lots of situations in her life which has probably made her what she is today - a no nonsense, tough woman. she would speak her mind without bothering who was sitting across her and the only little that i might have given her feedback about was her poor listening. but then, i couldn't point my finger at her and accuse her of that; she might have had to do a lot of listening from everybody in the family and outside after her husband's death just a couple of years after marriage and with a son who didn't even see his father. sooner or later she might have realised that she couldn't listen to all and sundry and would have taken charge of herself and her family. wonder why amma is not very fond of her, tho she gets along famously with achcha. i learnt a few things from that meeting - a) not to completely and blindly trust other people's opinion, even if that was of my close and well-meaning relatives, b) once you bring up your children and they are settled in life, do not have any expectations of them, c) children should be allowed to make their choices in life, even if they were going to be hurt in the process or they were going to be unhappy that you didn't support them. at least they would have learnt and be enriched of that lesson.

after seeing off amma and achcha on a train to ernakulam, we returned for another day's stay in calicut. throughout kerala another feature that i saw was the increasing number of commercial buildings and apartments. once a quaint little town with lots of brick tiled shops which, for us outsiders, looked an extention of houses, calicut today has become a steel and glass city. since i left the place some four years ago, there are at least a dozen new commercial buildings on the road from the railway station to my home. and another dozen odd apartment projects, some already occupied and some under completion. people from outside wouldn't find anything out-of-the-ordinary in these developments. but what i or any other mallu who has lived out of the state would agree is that this means that there is a drastic change in the mindset of people. i remember, some seven-eight years ago, people would never dream of living in apartments. they abhorred the concept of living without a little private space around their house, without an individual well. surprisingly this shift in mindset is not just because land is at a premium now in this highly populated state. much of it has to do with the nri mallus having disposable income and looking at an investment option. some of the people who prefer apartments are those who have to travel in their jobs - maintaining an independent bungalow is very difficult. but one major reason why people preferred apartments is security. which for a state like kerala is really a shame.

i remember my parents telling me that there were hardly any incidents of burglary or murder or any other kind of robbery. people could just leave their doors open while they went to their neighbour's place for a chat. shops would be open till 10 in the night. people could easily walk back home from the theatre after a second show. and ladies would never be bothered about wearing as much gold as they preferred. and this time, wherever we went, we saw people closing their doors and windows by evening, fearing thieves. it was so claustrophobic to live in shut down houses! women fear wearing even their mangalsutras and walking on the road as there are numerous instances of chain snatching. shops close by eight in the evening and by nine the streets are deserted. it's a sad state...

Monday, June 19, 2006

facing a non-working, non-earning-status crisis

ha! finally did some shopping and bought a couple of dresses for myself. i have been feeling like a 'poor cousin' in the family coz none of my old dresses and most of my new dresses don't fit me, so it had brought me to a situation where i had hardly a couple of dresses to wear. in fact, the situation had become so bad that n, my sis-in-law before leaving for chennai, suggested that i borrow some of her dress materials and have them stitched for myself. it's not that i have nothing to wear - i have enough sarees but then while travelling on a bike or for daily wear, today, saree doesn't make sense practically. although, i still get around with them. so, now, i feel a little better equipped to go out of the house looking decent.

ok, the reason why i started with such a mundane subject was because i have been buying time to key down the more difficult, more challenging issue that i am facing - dealing with a sense of not contributing financially to the joint kitty and not being financially dependent. i mean, this might sound too stupid an issue to worry about by many women who are house-wives. but for me, a person who has since college supported myself and a couple of years later my family, this is almost equal to facing an identity crisis. having been brought up in a family that always believed that i should be a self-dependent woman whether or not i was married, this current status of mine definitely makes me feel insecure.

i quit my regular job because, a) the job profile had changed and i being an artist was not ready to take up executive/admin responsibilities; b) i wanted to establish myself as an artist, journal writer/facilitator, healer. this was impossible if i took up another regular job. besides, now with p supporting me it was easier to take this decision. at least i had a financial security. what made the decision much more easier was p's complete faith in my decision and his support. in fact, there have been times when i have thought of taking up a job. in those moments too, he has helped me maintain a clarity on my decision. i remember once having a conversation with him about taking up a job and he asked me why i wanted to do it: whether it was because i wanted to earn money, in which case he was totally against it coz he knew that i should be focusing on my goals; or whether it was because the job would give me 'something' to do, and again he was not completely for it but could understand my position; or if it was because the job that i wanted to take up was what i 'really' wanted to do, in which case he would completely support me. and i realised that the only reason why i wanted to take up a job was the financial insecurity that i was facing. however much i try, i am not able to just sit here and spend the hard earned money he brings home. especially when i have to buy knick-knacs or spend it on myself or just indulge myself.

of course, there are occasional jobs that i do, which fetch me some money on and off but that's definitely not the kind of money i would like to be content with. and i know, and as p continues to iterate, that my work is well worth more than i could ever think of currently.

and there are also other job offers that i am being offered. they would definitely mean good money but certainly would take me away from all my aspirations and dreams and what i really want to and was meant to do in life. so, i am going thru this pain of insecurity so that it motivates me and keeps on egging me to work hard on my dreams.